In honor of Baby M's first birthday (the poor little thing has been dragged to five countries in her short 12 months), the Frau would like to share something about the nationalities of the world and their reaction to babies–specifically hers.
Ireland: Of course we have highchairs at this pub. Come right this way. Would she like to enjoy a Guinness coaster or does she prefer to suck on a Connemara Whiskey one?
France: Ooh! What a bon bébé. Kiss. Kiss. Voilà! One kiss for each fat cheek, bébé. Ooh, bon, let moi feed you the petit-déjeuner. Oh bébé, let moi wipe your runny nose. Oh bébé, mais non, can’t you see dees toy worm eez better dan dees toy worm. The colors are so much more pleasing, on dees one n’est pas? Oh bébé, did moi just hear you say “oui?” Très bien, bébé! Learn many languages, but only ever speak zemin French.
Germany:Entschuldigung, are you something from our grocery store in that enormous stroller of yours stealing?
Switzerland: You should dress her more warmly. You should put socks on her feet. You should make sure the blanket doesn’t ride up to her knees. You should get off the bus with the stroller facing forwards. You should not block the sidewalk with that stroller. You should not be out at 11:01 a.m. on a Monday. You should go home. You should cook. Your husband should be coming home for lunch in 58 minutes and 11 seconds.
United States: She’s crying. She probably has gas. What, you’re just going to let her cry? But we have drops for that. This is America and we have something for everything. Do you have Baby Tylenol? That will solve her sleeping problems. Now, please sign on the dotted line before you place her in this highchair. We cannot take responsibility for injury, choking, or hot beverages that may or may not get spilled. No, I cannot possibly hold her while you sign on the dotted line. What if I abuse her by mistake or something?