Crime on a schedule

Note to planes in distress—do not try to land in Switzerland—unless of course, you can do it between 8 a.m. and noon, or between 1:30 p.m. and 5 p.m.

Otherwise the Swiss Air Force is closed.

Case in point: On February 17, a highjacked Ethiopian passenger jet, which was landing in Geneva, had to be rescued by Italian and French military pilots as the Swiss Air Force was sleeping. Literally.

The Frau isn’t surprised. Because when her husband’s backpack was stolen from the local pool and they tried to get help, the police were closed. Silly Frau. It was dinnertime in Switzerland, so what did she expect?

Crime, apparently, should occur on a schedule, and the Swiss are serious about this. So check the schedule thief, and then steal away. Because in Switzerland, neither the police nor the army nor the air force will catch you. They are too busy eating lunch.

Lunch al fresco (if you can)

According to a study commissioned by the Federal Health Office and reported by swissinfo.ch, 27% of the Swiss population aged 14-65 were smokers in 2009. But among 20 to 24-year-olds, 39% percent smoke. Cough.

Despite these numbers, take a walk along Lake Zurich, and it can feel like everyone smokes. I can hardly walk two steps without choking. It’s really too bad, since Switzerland is so clean otherwise. But it’s hard to enjoy the fresh air and nice weather when it’s clouded by cigarette smoke.

Lately, like half the residents of Zurich, I’ve taken to eating my lunch by the lake. This is quite challenging for a non-smoker, but last Friday, I managed a milestone: I sat on a bench by the lake along with three other Swiss-German speakers, and no one lit up for the entire 45 minutes. I could hardly believe my luck.

But normally, I sit down, take two bites of my food, and someone starts smoking. So I play a strange game of musical benches, which never really ends well. However, I have done some completely unscientific research that I would like to share to help you choose your next outdoor dining bench:

1. Sit next to people who are eating. Most people here won’t light up in the middle of their lunch, only yours. So choose people who are just sitting down to eat, not those who are finishing.
2. Don’t sit by people who look like they are 20-24. Your odds of breathing smoke will be almost 40% instead of 30%.
3. Do not sit by people eating McDonalds. Not only does their lunch stink, their cigarettes will too. These people seem almost 100% more likely to smoke than those eating something from Tibits.
4. Analyze the wind (if there is any) and plan your bench strategy accordingly. If possible, sit on the edge of the bench closest to the direction the wind is coming from.
5. Find a secluded rock by the lake.

Anyone else have issues with smoke or strategies for avoiding it and still being able to enjoy lunch al fresco?