Swiss customer service nostalgia

The Frau never thought she would miss Swiss customer service, but it has come to this, yodelers. 

Now. As some of you may know, The Frau used to complain about Swiss customer service. In particular, she complained about those charge-you-by-the-minute-for-the-pleasure-of resolving-the-issue-we-probably-caused customer service calls in Switzerland. And after being in the US for approximately 16 days, she wants –at least the toll phone portion– of Swiss customer service back.

She would pay any amount of franc-per-minute to have it. Because, interestingly enough, a Swiss toll call ends up being cheaper than an American toll-free call. Here is proof.

Swiss customer service toll call

The Frau calls SBB to resolve a train ticket issue. She must pay CHF .50 per minute between the hours of 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. to call the number. When she calls during those hours, someone answers right away. This is a real live person and they are located somewhere across the canton rather than across the world. For simplicity, The Frau imagines that they are in Canton Aargau. This person in Canton Aargau speaks five languages, including English. He may not sound thrilled to talk to The Frau, but the call takes five minutes and the issue is resolved.

Total time: 5 minutes

Total cost: CHF 2.50

American customer service toll-free call(s)

The Frau calls Comcast because her Internet service is not activating automatically. Thanks to Comcast’s 24/7 service line, she can call at night. She can call during the day. And she can call during lunch. But no matter what time she calls, a technical reason shuts down her call. Soon, she learns the truth about 24/7, toll-free calling. It means that no matter what time she calls, an automated voice answers. It means that it’s her lucky hour when someone on the other side of the world who speaks something kind of representing English finally talks to her. But this chance, as The Frau is calculating based on experience, is only 1 out of 5 calls. And then the chance that she will understand their English is only 1 out of 5 of those really lucky calls. And this is even with 8+ years of training in understanding strange English accents, yodelers. Imagine normal Americans who have never left America trying to translate such so-called English. This is why, twenty-four hours after trying to activate her Comcast Internet service, The Frau is still trying to activate her Comcast Internet service.

Total time: 41 minutes and counting

Total cost: $4.10 in prepay minutes and counting

Which service would you rather have, yodelers? The Frau knows her answer.

Oh, and by the way, The Frau’s book, Swiss Life: 30 Things I Wish I’d Known was published in May. If you still haven’t read it but are enjoying this blog, you really have no excuse–unless of course you are living in the US and are still on hold with Comcast. In that case, veil Glück.

Dear Frau: Phone and Data Plans in Switzerland

Welcome to another edition of Dear Frau. It’s kind of like Dear Abby, except with an international twist. Remember, if you have a question, don’t hesitate to contact The Frau.

Dear Frau,

My wife and I are moving to Switzerland for one year. We are very tech oriented, so the first thing we want to settle is a cell phone+data plan...

Which networks should I check? Any chance of making a plan in Germany and using it in Switzerland? And what do I do if I have an iPhone 5 and need a Nano-SIM?

Thanks,

Data Needy in CH

Dear Data Needy in CH,

The Frau speaks English and conversational German. But your email sounds like it’s in an entirely different language. Unfortunately The Frau does not speak tech. If you want proof, have a look at the 2006 Motorola cell phone she still uses in an Orange pre-pay kind of style.

Hopefully some fellow yodelers can come to your service by leaving comments below that directly answer your questions. All The Frau knows is this: it’s almost impossible to get any kind of phone or data plan without first having your residence permit.

This is a cruel joke to play on any newcomer, but it sounds like it will be especially cruel for you. So plan on visiting a lot of Starbucks to get your Wifi fix and Skype away the hours while Swiss bureaucracy does its thing.

The reason The Frau has pre-paid plan in the first place is because it was all the Swiss would give her while she waited and waited for her official piece of paper that said she was a permanent resident.

In the end, The Frau is grateful for her Orange pre-pay SIM as it has probably saved her thousands of francs in phone bills over the last seven years.

Anyway, the main phone and Internet service plans in Switzerland include:

Swisscom

Orange

Sunrise

Cablecom

Luckily, unlike when The Frau arrived in 2006, these companies actually have functional websites that converse in English (much has changed in the last seven years!) so you may find some of your answers there.

But that being said, fellow yodelers, can you help Data Needy in CH? 

Phone Phobia

I admit it. When my phone rings in Switzerland, I get scared. Do I say a friendly English "hello?" Do I bark my last name into the phone like I'm pissed? Do I brace for Swiss German and prepare to ask if the caller speaks High German? Will all this worry be pointless because the caller is actually my mom?

If you have ever lived in a country where phone etiquette--not to mention the local language--is just a little bit different, read on. Maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to relate to my column in October's Swiss News .

And if you have a humiliating phone story, please leave a comment. It just might make me feel better.

Hello? Oh wait...

I’ve been living in Switzerland for three years as of this coming Friday. And I still can’t seem to get the hang of Swiss phone etiquette.

The problem is, if I don’t recognize the number of the caller, I’m not sure how to answer it. Should I answer the American way, with just a “Hello”? The professional English-speaker way, with my first and last name? Or the Swiss way, with “Frau X”, said in a tone that’s as threatening as possible?

No matter the decision, it’s usually the wrong one and I end up with silence on the other end while the caller gets over their initial “greeting shock” and tries to figure out how to talk to a crazy person like me.

This morning was no exception. I went with the professional English-speaker version of “hello” and heard nothing but silence on the other end.

Then, after about five seconds, the caller cleared her voice and said, “Frau X?” I answered, “ja” and then, relieved by my one German mumble, she blabbed full-steam ahead in Swiss German.

Finally, when she came up for air, I told her I understand “not so good” Swiss German and could she please repeat everything in High German. After that, all was klar (at least as klar as it was going to get), and just when I was congratulating myself for surviving yet another Swiss phone call, she says, “Auf Wiedersehen, Frau X.” And I know that I’m supposed to answer back, “Auf Wiedersehen, Frau Y.” Except I can’t remember her name because my brain was too busy processing the whole phone etiquette/language thing only to result in being a failure at both.

So I say a simple “Auf Wiedersehen,” leaving out her name and then hang up and curse the phone.

When it comes to the foreign phone experience, I’ll never win. The only thing all of us living abroad can do is continue to encourage e-mail use. It really is the best technology for foreign communication, where we have the two things we need most on our side: time and google translate.

Good Afternoon, It's the Frau (oh wait, that's me)

Today I had to make two appointments. This may not sound like a big deal, but throw in another language and it becomes as major as the Magna Carta. But I was determined to persevere.

To make sure I did the German greeting right, I wrote it down. Because otherwise I would have resorted to a friendly "hello" and the German speaker would have been thrown off by not knowing who was calling.

I did this pretty well, even included a "Frau" with my name and that was a big step because I really hate the word "Frau". It sounds so dowdy and old. Anyone called "Frau" automatically has gray hair and wrinkles in my mind. So I guess at age 30 I finally fit the word.

I also guaranteed myself success by throwing in a "Guten Tag" with my Frau introduction. This way, they know it's a high German speaker right off, as the Swiss don't usually use "Guten Tag".

It worked well. Both receptionists I talked to immediately switched to high German after hearing my "Guten Tag". I even managed a "weil" construction and put the verb in the right place. This is total victory in German. To be able to say, "No that's not good, because I'll be on vacation then" and not screw up the sentence is an amazing achievement. Trust me.

I understood 90% of the calls, enough to answer every question with only a few minor mess-ups. For instance, the first receptionist thinks my first name is spelled Chental. But that's ok. A mistake I can live with.

The real test will be if I got the date and times right. And only time will tell.