The Campaign for Expat Name Reform

When you become a parent, you get a new name: Mom or Dad. You have a new role, a new identity, and this name helps you make the transition to parenthood as well as separate your old self from your new one.

Step off that plane with a new name

But when most people move abroad, they don’t take a new name for their new role as The Foreigner. 

If you were like the Frau, you didn’t change your name after changing countries, so your old and new identities collided like tectonic plates and the earthquake that shook your body was probably a 9.0 on the Richter scale.

That’s why the Frau is campaigning for Expat Name Reform in Switzerland. The new law would say that all foreigners should take a new name when moving to Switzerland in order to protect their old sense of self.

So what are you waiting for, expats? Let’s choose a nice Swiss name and let’s get going.

Regula? Perfect.

Ok. Let Regula get cut in front of at the cheese counter. Let Regula smile at people and let Regula feel defeated when they don’t smile back. Let Regula protect Jennifer or Katie or Cathy or whoever you are inside. Don’t let your two identities meet.

The Frau’s Campaign for Expat Name Reform was inspired by Peter Hessler’s book about living in China, River Town (great book for expats, by the way).

In China, expats usually take Chinese names. Hessler took one right away, and describes how his Chinese identity, Ho Wei was very different from Peter Hessler. In fact, he says, the two never really interacted. Ho Wei was passive, dumb, and a toddler in terms of dealing with his Chinese world. But he never collided with Peter, who was more assertive, Oxford-smart, and a world traveler.

Anyway, if you read this blog, you know Chantal eventually became “The Frau.” But looking back, Chantal wishes she had become The Frau right away.

Here’s why:

After moving to Switzerland, things happened to Chantal and she had no control over them. Chantal wasn’t used to being rendered mute but Swiss German had a funny way of doing that to her. She had trouble separating who she used to be (Ms. 4.0 Perfectionist Who Was Going to Conquer the World With Her Brilliance) with who she had become (Ms. I Failed At Buying Beef So We’ll Be Having Pork Stroganoff for Dinner).

So do yourself a favor, new expats, and find yourself a new name to go with your new country. Find your “Frau“ or your “Ho Wei” and preserve the smart, worldly you before it gets ripped apart by people who think you’ll automatically understand them if they talk louder.

If you agree with Expat Name Reform, please sign the petition otherwise known as the comment board and include your preferred Swiss name.

The Frau's Love of English

The Frau loves English. She didn't realize this until six years ago when she moved to a place where Swiss German was spoken. Funny how being surrounded by a foreign language makes you love your own. It's a bit like moving to a desert and realizing, you know, I never really gave water the credit it deserves.

So let's take a moment, fellow yodelers, and give English some praise. Let's celebrate its short words. Its gender neutrality. Its lack of umlauts and accented vowels. Its lack of formal and informal you and instead its embracement of an all-emcompassing, "hey y'all."

That said, there is one thing the Frau loves even more than English. It's English spoken by non-native speakers. 

Oh, the joy that is a misplaced modifier. Oh, the excitement that is unfortunate verb choice. These little language lapses have no end in happiness for the Frau. So imagine her excitement to be in Paris two weeks ago (excitement also because it was her first weekend away from her baby ever and she planned on partying but in reality ended up sleeping) and to find this lovely note near the light switch at her bed and breakfast:

Please, switch of the light and radiators before living.

See what she means. One little Google-translated verb, one big fat laugh for the Frau. 

Anyone else love their native language even more after moving abroad?

The Aargau Factor

The Frau and her husband recently went through the passport control at the Zurich airport. She showed her "C" permit proudly. And why not, after all, to receive it, she had gone through bureaucracy and back. 

Then the agent asked her where she lived, so The Frau dutifully answered, trying to act as pleasant as one does when pretending to enjoy the third degree.

"But that's in Canton Aargau," the agent said, with that oh-so-familiar I live in Zurich and we are so much better than you attitude. 

He was not just a passport agent. He was a cool detector and a pride plunderer. One of the many who live within the Canton of Zurich's borders.

The Frau lives below the castle in Baden. How uncool.

Yes, over the last six years, many Zurich-dwellers have reminded The Frau that because she lives in Canton Aargau she is automatically uncool. 

So let's rewind six plus years to that fateful day when The Frau had to answer a very critical relocation question.

"Do you want to live in Zurich or Baden?" was the question. But the question should have been: "Do you want to be cool or a complete loser?"

Can you believe The Frau's response? "I don't know," she said. 

The Frau didn't see a big difference between being cool or a complete loser given that they were only a short 16-minute train ride apart. "Can't we just look in both places?" she asked.

"No," was the reply. "Because different agents are used."

They didn't mention that not only did Zurich and Baden use different agents, but the two cities were actually on different planets. At least according to the Swiss you-live-a-16-minute-direct-train-ride-from-Zurich-that-is-so-far-into-the-Middle-Ages mindset.

In fact, a 16-minute commute turns out to have consequences almost as far reaching as the fried potato ditch separating the German and French-speaking areas.

Fine, world. The Frau is uncool. The Frau is backwards. The Frau is a farmer.

But who cares, sophisticated Zurich people. Call The Frau uncultured and go back to your 10 m2 apartment that costs as much as the Frau's 120 m2 one and smoke a cigarette out the window while watching your neighbor use the toilet. The Frau will be going back to her big fat Baden balcony and enjoying her castle view. Yes, there she'll be, gazing up at her 9th century tower while the kings and queens of Oerlikon enjoy looking out their window at a brick wall with their noses as high in the air as the Alps.

Have you experienced the Aargau Factor?

God save the Frau, Stadtfest Baden is here.

Are you ready yodelers? Because it’s that time of year. Time for the festival with the worst logo the Frau has ever seen. 

Can someone please explain the comma?

In a way, the

Stadtfest Ba-

den,

logo is so bad, it’s good. And it’s everywhere. On bus wraps. On billboards. On the festival plakat that the Frau will probably be forced into buying just for going out her front door. Even the shops in Baden are getting into the action, arranging the logo in the proper

Stadtfest Ba-

Thank goodness they didn't forget the comma!

den,

arrangement on their windows. Yes. With the comma and the bad word break and everything. It’s almost too much fun for the Frau to handle. And you know the Frau. Would she ever be sarcastic?

In case you can't tell, the Frau isn't overjoyed for this Fest. She learned from experience that a 10-day festival in Baden will make her completely sleep deprived and overly anxious to never hear a collective drunk scream at 5 a.m. or a Swiss-German rapper played at ear-defending decibels again.

Ja, die Frau hat Erfahrung. She lived through another one of Baden’s 10-day festivals in 2007. It was called Badenfahrt and it taught her that even Swiss buildings made with 100% concrete can shake when placed next to a rock and pop stage featuring, you guessed it, Swiss German rappers.

Anyway, Badenfahrt had a better logo but a much more unfortunate name. Not that the Swiss minded. In fact, they actually sold T-shirts with Baden on one side and Fahrt on the back. The Frau now regrets not buying one so she’ll most likely be ponying up the CHF 40 for her plakat featuring the worst logo she has ever seen just for the novelty of actually owning such a souvenir.

Are you coming to Stadtfest Ba-

den,? 

Reader Appreciation Day

To counter a certain kind of “who cares about the customer” customer service in Switzerland, The Frau would like to have a reader appreciation day.

Here's to the yodelers

It’s high time she thanked some of her readers. Because without them, she would just be blogging for one person: her mom. And if she wanted to do that, she could just write emails. So thanks, readers.

Anyhow, the Frau loves all comments—even anonymous ones—but obviously Anonymous is hard to thank. So if you’ve left a traceable comment since June, and you’ve got an up-to-date blog, you’re included in the list below. And fellow yodelers, if you like this blog, you’ll probably like some of the following readers’ blogs too:

Queso Suizo: In Search of the Cheese Life

Kelly & Wojtek’s Blog

Newly Swissed

Made in Suisse

Dibulous

From Bratwurst to Bulgogi: A NJ girl’s journey from Germany to South Korea.

Swiss Side Jewellery etc

Miguev.net

Moms, Tots, & Zürich :hiking with kids in Switzerland

Wandering & Blathering

Tra mucche e cioccolata: la svizzera tedesca vista da una italiana

Alli McBally: A nail polish fanatic with too much time on my hands as some people say

Swiss Customer Service Strikes Again

The Frau gets up early these days. Not out of choice, but because Baby M likes to get up at 5:30 a.m.

But since the Frau gets up at 5:30 a.m. on Saturdays, Sundays, and well, every day now, she gets a lot done. Especially on Saturdays.

She shops at Migros before the store becomes ripe for Migros Moments.

She stands helpless outside her building at 6:30 a.m. with her not-so-neatly-tied stack of paper to recycle lamenting that the paper truck has already made its round before the standard 7 a.m. and now she’ll be stuck with said paper for another six weeks.

And she gets reprimanded by cashiers at Interdiscount for returning a broken product that was purchased that way.

Yippee. 

The Frau needs a drink after last weekend

The Frau loves starting her weekend with a good-old fashioned scolding. Especially when she’s done nothing wrong except to buy a broken fan in a sealed box that didn’t allow her to see its sorry status the previous Saturday.

Naturally, the Frau discovered the broken fan when she opened the box. She didn’t even have to open the plastic it was wrapped in to see it was a lost cause. That’s how broken this broken fan was.

“The policy, you stupid no-for-good customer, is that you are supposed to return it the following day,” lectured the Interdiscount cashier. 

The Frau was not witty enough in Swiss German to make a comeback like, “Oh yeah? Well how was I supposed to do that since you’re closed on Sunday?” Or “Oh yeah, I wasn’t inconvenienced at all by having to drag this broken fan back to your store for another one along with an 8-month-old baby and a backache. Sorry I'm a week behind. But it’s clearly all for pleasure that I’m back here again.”

Anyway, finally, after several minutes of blaming the Frau for being stupid enough to purchase something at Interdiscount, the Interdiscount employee gave the Frau a replacement fan.

But it didn’t help the Frau that this one functions. Because she’s still boiling over the experience.

Have you had a bad (or good) customer service experience in Switzerland? Please share.

How much do you know about Europe?

You’ll have to excuse the Frau. But give her a list or a quiz and she can't wait to conquer it. So as you can imagine, little tests like “How Many Countries Have You Been To?” get her all strange and competitive on Facebook.

Naturally, when the Frau discovered the DK Quiz Europe Quiz, she had to take it. Can you beat the Frau? She got 19/20, so there’s a chance!

For all of you Switzerland-based expat nerds like the Frau, there is one question about Switzerland in this quiz. The Frau got this question right (thank goodness!), but she would actually like to question the question.

The Switzerland question was:

What is the most commonly spoken language in Switzerland?

Here’s a hint: Swiss German is not a possible answer.

She’ll let you guess what is and also guess why she would argue that this “right answer” is very wrong!

Viel Spass!

Four Great Things About the United States

The Frau has been blabbing about all things good and bad in Switzerland for the past two weeks and it’s about time she thanked a few readers who always contribute to discussions. So here's to you, Made in Suisse and Swiss Side Jewellery (check out their blogs!). (And other readers, don’t worry, a reader appreciation post is coming soon where the Frau will honor many more members of her community).

Celebrating July 4th in Switzerland

But first, it's time to honor of the 4^th of July. Yes, today is American Independence Day. And besides wearing white socks and going directly to McDonald’s in her sweaty clothes right after her workout (oh my!), the Frau would like to present four great things (ok, in honor of those gratis American ketchup packets, she’ll throw in a fifth great thing for free) about the United States that she still misses after living abroad for six years.

Friendly, open people who smile

Fine, the Frau may have only asked a stranger in Chicago for directions and in return gotten Jenni’s life story, but somehow, the openness of Americans is something the Frau lifts her big glass of root beer with ice to every time she goes home. Americans are so friendly, the Frau sometimes even finds herself wanting to call her dental office in Chicago just for a few warm fuzzies on one of those dreary days in Switzerland when an icy Swiss receptionist has made the Frau feel as if she is doing something terribly wrong just for calling to make an appointment.

Casual attitudes

Ok, let the Frau be clear: she is not a supporter of pajamas in public. But she is a supporter of the relaxed, anything-goes American attitude that comes with the clothing. And she is definitely a supporter of not dressing up to go to the grocery store.

Affordable housing

Since her little addition to the family last year, the Frau’s apartment has gotten smaller and smaller. While she loves her view as well as her Swiss neighbor, she does not love that to move into—heaven forbid—a place with three (!) bedrooms in the same general location will cost at least CHF 3500 a month not to mention unforeseen cleaning, moving, and bureaucratic expenses. The Frau does not mean to say that housing is affordable everywhere in the United States. But rather, that most three-bedroom apartments outside of a big city center would not have rents in the $3000-range. Heck, the Frau had a monthly mortgage payment on a cute little four-bedroom cape cod in Richmond for less than half the price of her two bedroom apartment in Baden.

Choices

As an American, the Frau likes choices. And she grew up expecting them. But start looking at anything in Switzerland from apartments to soda (we’ll exclude yogurt—somehow, yogurt gets special treatment in Switzerland) and you’ll soon discover that you really have no choice. You’ll be enjoying that specially priced vintage 2012 Coke or Pepsi (but please don’t offer both in one store, that would be too overwhelming!) in a white-walled, white-tiled kitchen whether you like it or not. The Frau misses having an opportunity to enjoy a strawberry cream soda in an orange-painted kitchen. Fine, that might be overkill. But the point is, she could do it. And the Frau misses that “could.”

Leniency

Maybe this goes into the casual attitude category, but here’s the thing: Never in the Frau’s 20+ years in the United States did she ever worry about things like leaving a little lint in the dryer or a little dirt in the gutter. And she always assumed that if you lived in the same apartment for six years, it would be understood that a few scratches on some stuff or a little grime lurking somewhere under the sink spout would be excused. You did live there, right? Wrong, say the Swiss. That little chip in the tile? Well that will cost you your $9000 deposit right there. Apparently, Swiss German doesn’t have a word for “wear and tear” and Frau misses that nice little American concept. Or maybe she just misses the idea of a little leniency. Because while the Swiss may be so perfect they’re hardly human, the Frau is like most Americans: human with a capital H.

What do you love about the United States?

Six Years in Switzerland, Part II

In honor of the Frau’s six-year Swiss anniversary last week, she discussed three reasons that living in Switzerland can be as sweet as the chocolate. But like everything—even chocolate—there’s a darker version. 

This week, it’s all about things in Switzerland that can make you as crazy as a clock tower that dings every 15 minutes 24/7. Oh wait, the Frau’s been living right across the street from that very clock tower for six years. That’s 96 dings a day, 35,040 dings a year, and 210,240 dongs in the Frau's short Swiss life, people. Enough to drive the Frau to sometimes say, there’s no place like the good old USA. 

Three Things That Make the Frau Never Want to See a Cervelat Again

Swiss German

Don't come to Switzerland to learn German

If the Frau could do it over again and actually have a choice in the matter, she would live in French-speaking Switzerland. By now, she’d most likely be totally comfortable and fluent in French. 

Living in the German-speaking section is much more complicated. You must learn two languages if you really want to fit in. High German for reading and writing and Swiss German for speaking and listening. The Swiss talk about how they want foreigners to integrate, but let the Frau tell you, it’s not easy. She was fooled into thinking if she learned High German she’d be fine and Swiss German would be its natural conclusion. But instead of understanding Swiss German after six years of High German, all the Frau has perfected is a good smile and nod. 

Luckily, the Frau is not alone. Swiss German appears to frustrate practically all foreigners who try to integrate as well as most of the 36% of the Swiss who speak other languages. The Frau herself is having another wave of disillusionment after working so hard for the last six years to understand High German. Sure, she can read Blick Am Abend and understand cashiers in Germany, but for general everyday life in German-speaking Switzerland, the Frau still feels like an outsider. 

Window Games

The Frau has never seen a group of people more concerned about drafts. And it’s that time of year again. Time for the Frau to sweat the moment she walks in the office, open her window by her desk, and find it closed by someone the minute she gets up for a coffee. 

A Swiss colleague once tried to convince her (when she was pregnant, no less!) that it would stay cooler if she wouldn’t keep opening the window. She doesn’t see the logic of this at all. It’s the same on trains and buses. People here would rather sit in an oven than in a convertible. A breeze doesn’t make you sick, people. It’s all that coughing without covering your mouth…but that’s another story.

Lack of Lines

Nothing like moving to the world's most organized country to have you pining for a good old-fashioned line. Here's a secret for the uninitiated: the only people who stand in line in Switzerland are expats. The Frau has lost count of how many people have just barged in front of her at cheese counters, when getting on trains, and even when she was waiting in “line” at McDonald’s when she was 8 months pregnant. The Frau asks you, Swiss people, how you can have a bus that connects you to the train that connects you to the cable car that connects you to the mountain restaurant in the middle of nowhere exactly at noon for lunch but not be able to form an orderly line at the department store when buying your socks?

What keeps you in Switzerland? Or what makes you never want to hear an alphorn being played in a Tunnelfest again?

Six years in Switzerland, Part I

Time flies when you move to Switzerland

Six years ago this week, the Frau descended on Zurich. At first, the Frau felt like she was on vacation. But then, her husband went to work and this career woman was faced with making him lunch in a country where she didn’t even know the word for milk (or why the grocery carts were attached with chains in a place where people didn’t even lock their bikes). Ms. 4.0-Perfectionist-who-was-once-going-to-conquer-the-world-with-her-brilliance couldn’t even grocery shop. Poor Frau. But also, poor Switzerland.

The Frau wasn’t very nice to Switzerland at first. She couldn’t understand why it wasn’t more like home. The fact that it was a different country didn’t seem like a good enough reason. Little did she know she would go through the whole expat cycle thing like everyone else until she came full circle and started blaming the United States for not being more like Switzerland.

Anyhow, in honor of the Frau’s Swiss six year anniversary, she’d like to talk about the three things that keep her living in Switzerland. Then, in Part II next week, she'll discuss three things that sometimes make her want to stuff a cervelat in it all.

Three Things That Make Her Happy To Finally Have a C-Permit

The Great Outdoors

Switzerland put the "great" in the great outdoors. You can live in the center of a town, like the Frau does, and be in the woods in a matter of minutes. As someone who grew up in Chicago, the Frau never knew it was possible not to have to get in a car to go to the woods. But in Switzerland, you can jump in the lakes and rivers, you can hike in the mountains–even in the winter on beautifully groomed paths, and you can bike in bike lanes almost everywhere in the country—or enjoy summer Sundays when 30 kilometers of road in various parts of the country are shut off to traffic and opened to bikers and rollerbladers.

Things Just Work

Once you come to Switzerland, it’s hard to go anywhere else. Even home. One look at the disaster that is O’Hare Airport, wait 1.5 hours for your luggage, and visit a bathroom that looks like it hasn’t seen a cleaning rag since 1999 and you can’t wait to get back to Zurich where a digital board will tell you that your luggage will be out in 6 minutes and 53 seconds while you admire a toilet so shiny it would give even Mr. Clean a headache.

All of this makes you start to take things for granted. Trains that are scheduled to leave at 8:38 leave at 8:38. People go to lunch exactly at noon and are back at their desks exactly at one (although this still kind of freaks the Frau out). And paper is recycled in such an orderly fashion that the Frau has developed an inferiority complex when it comes to putting her paper out on the curb because her pile, well, it looks just like her: foreign.

People Are Protected

This is a country where everyone has health insurance. This is a country where unemployment protects you for at least a year and a half by paying you 70% of your salary. This is a country where people carry cash instead of credit cards because they actually have money. This is a country where women must be paid at least 80% of their salary during maternity leave for 14 weeks. This is a country where it’s normal to work part-time—even in highly educated, professional positions. If fact, a lot of new parents decide to both work 80%. They are engineers, lawyers, writers. It’s no big deal. And that’s a big deal when it comes to work/life balance.

Stay tuned for "Six years in Switzerland, Part II," where the Frau discusses three things about Switzerland that make her never want to hear an alphorn at a Tunnelfest again.

What keeps you living in Switzerland?

The Frau's New Fashion Find

It can be challenging to live in the world’s most expensive city when you are used to shopping at the biggest sale ever at Kohl’s 365 days a year. Not only are things in Zurich triple the price, but there just aren’t that many choices.

Coupons and discounts are few and far between in Switzerland, so the Frau grabs what she can. For instance, last week, she clipped out a coupon from Blick am Abend for 5X the Cumulus points at Migros. So needless to say when she was offered a voucher for Zalando, a virtual mall that delivers anything fashion-related right to your door for free, she couldn’t pass that by.

Over 23,000 shoes. The Frau isn't used to such choices!

First of all, fellow yodelers, there are over 23,000 pairs of shoes to choose from on the fr.zalando.ch website. Imagine the Frau’s dilemma. She hadn’t seen this much selection in Switzerland ever. It was almost like shopping at Target. She could search by size, color, heel size, type of shoe, and more. The only catch was, she had to do this in German or French as the site delivers practically everything except the English language.

Kein Problem. If she ever needed an excuse to improve her French or German, being able to shop on a site that offers no worries of customs tax is it.  And also no worries if the shoes or the almost 32,000 clothing items you can choose from don’t end up fitting. Because you can return them within 30 days for free. Free. The Frau likes free.

Speaking of free, Zalando even offers a toll-free customer service number. The Frau asks you: what other Swiss entity offers this? Call the SBB and you'll get charged CHF 1.19 a minute. You know the drill. In Switzerland, if you’re a customer and want help, it’s usually 1-800-PAY-US-MORE.

The Frau also likes sales. But why wait until July or January? If you’re an American cheapskate like her, you can go to Zalando just to search for sale items exclusively. Or for sale items and your favorite brand. 

Hint for all other shopaholics: if you sign up for the Zalando newsletter, you can get CHF 10 off your next purchase. The Frau already did, of course. Clip, clip. This coupon queen is in her glory.

Do you shop online in Switzerland? Any sites you like? Or other good deals to be had?

Swimming in Switzerland: 5 Fun Places

In hopes to encourage summer to make its appearance again, the Frau has decided to write about swimming in Switzerland. Yes, Switzerland is landlocked. But despite having no oceanfront, Switzerland still offers many wonderful places to swim in the summer. Below are five great options.

Caumasee

Lake Cauma (Caumasee)

Dive into this sparkling turquoise jewel near Flims in Graubünden or just flirt with a few local men. (Graubünden, according to a Swiss friend, is the canton where Swiss German speakers have the sexiest accent.) Other options? Rent a paddleboat and enjoy the water ohne goosebumps.

  

Lake Lungern

Drink the water? Swim in the water? At Lake Lungern, you could do either. The water is drinking-quality pure and one part of the lake has a swimming area complete with a sandy beach and water slide. You can also hike or bike around the entire lake, as the Frau has done.

Lake Zurich: Seebad Utoquai

Swim with the swans or tan on the deck—in any weather. Unlike some lidos along Lake Zurich, this historic one is open May 12-September 23 from 7 a.m. until 8 p.m. in all weather conditions. 

Aare River

How many capital cities in the world have a river? And how many of these rivers can you swim in without a major health risk? The Frau doesn't know of many unpolluted rivers in world capitals, but she does know that you can swim in Bern's river. Here, every summer, hundreds of people take to the Aare, the longest river in Switzerland.

Lake Geneva: Bellerive Plage

C'est beau to live in Lausanne. Naturally, this Olympic city is home to a wonderful summer swimming facility that includes–what else?–an Olympic-sized pool. Celebrating its 75^th anniversary, Bellerive also includes a family pool, an aquatic park, 20 ping pong tables, and a lovely location by the lake.

Where do you like to swim in Switzerland?

Four Books You Should Read About Switzerland

The Frau is a reader as well as a writer. And naturally, to acquire new insights for her writing, she enjoys reading about the current place she calls home. Below are four must-reads for any expatriate in Switzerland (three of which armchair travelers will appreciate as well).

La Place de la Concorde Suisse

By John McPhee

“Switzerland does not have an army. Switzerland is an army.” This is a quote from La Place de la Concorde Suisse and also sums up why any expatriate in Switzerland should read it. The text, which originally appeared in The New Yorker, demonstrates how the Swiss army sums up Swiss life. There are also facts the Frau learned that made her laugh: did you know that Swiss German men who misbehave in the army are assigned to a Swiss French battalion as punishment? Did you know that most Swiss bridges are ready to explode at a moment's notice? Oh. And don’t be put off that the book was published in 1994. Since most things never change in Switzerland, it is still very relevant today.

Swiss Watching

By Diccon Bewes

What makes the Swiss tick? As most people who are living in Switzerland have discovered, there’s a lot more to the country than cheese and skis. Part information, part observation, this bestselling book is a must to anyone wanting to find out more about the little landlocked island we all call Switzerland. The book answers big questions about neutrality during World War II (hmm, see book above) as well as little ones, such as what the heck is Heidi Week at the local Swiss McDonald’s?

Living and Working in Switzerland

By David Hampshire

Already have that Swiss Army knife but still feel like you need another survival tool? This book will answer questions about permits, unemployment, apartment contracts, buying a house in Switzerland, and more. Even though the Frau has been in Switzerland for almost six years, she still sometimes finds herself referring to this book to confirm her suspicions concerning many Swiss procedures (and also because she is kind of a nerd like that).

Xenophobe’s Guide to the Swiss

By Paul Bilton

Big laughs usually come from little truths. And this tiny book is full of them. Get to know the Swiss with something they are not usually known for: humor. Then, for even more insights into why you may find the Swiss a little strange, be sure to read the Xenophobe’s Guide to the Country You Are From.

Enough of what the Frau thinks. Do you have any books on Switzerland to recommend?

Five Reasons Switzerland is a Great Place to Have a Baby

The Frau has now been Die Mom for over seven months. Naturally, she was incredibly nervous about giving birth in a country where she had to learn the German equivalents for painkiller, cervical dilation, and please no episiotomy. But somehow, everything went smoothly. Somehow, the Frau survived. Somehow, Switzerland delivered by helping the Frau do the same.

You can hike around Lake Lungern with a stroller.

Needless to say, the rumors are true. Switzerland is a great place to have a baby. Here’s why:

One: Affordable care. 

Frustrated with expensive Swiss insurance policies? Have a baby and get your money’s worth. Swiss insurers are required to pay for almost all pregnancy-related doctor and hospital visits. So go ahead—lower your monthly payments and increase your deductible—your normal pregnancy-related check-ups and hospital bill won’t be coming out of it.

Two: Patience. 

Swiss midwives don’t rush you. Most encourage natural birth. But before you run back to the United States and demand a C-section, keep this in mind: a place that encourages natural birth (whether you do it or not) is actually a good thing because it means your labor is cared for with patience, not by people who just want you to hurry so they can go to lunch. Also, after a normal birth, you can stay in a Swiss hospital for up to five days as you recover and learn to care for your baby. You can even leave your baby at the hospital and go out to dinner, which the Frau highly recommends since after you leave the hospital with your new baby, dinner will probably become something you dream about, rather than eat.

Three: Midwives. 

You can have a midwife visit you at home after you return from the hospital. She comes to your house and makes sure you know what you’re doing (because if you’re like the Frau you won’t!). This is all also covered by Swiss insurance, which becomes even more of a blessing if you read books like Baby Catcher, and realize how U.S. insurers have basically made independent midwifery extinct in the United States. Be more prepared than the Frau, and choose your midwife before you give birth. 

Four: Free Money. 

Yes. You are hearing right. Beginning the month your child is born (so aim for the 30th!) you receive a minimum child benefit allowance of CHF 200 ($212) a month, which is added to your paycheck.  Unfortunately the Frau lives in Aargau, where they give you the bare minimum, but still, it helps make up for the fact that diapers and three times as expensive in Switzerland than they are in Germany. Even more amazing? You get your CHF 200 every month until your child turns 16. After your child turns 16, you are entitled to an education allowance of CHF 250 a month until your child is 25. If you’re luckier than the Frau, you also live in a canton that will give you a bonus of CHF 1,000, just for giving birth.

Five: Stroller-accessible Hiking Trails

You may not be able to get to your fourth-floor apartment without a struggle, but the woods? No problem. You’ll be sure to find plenty of stroller-accessible hikes in Switzerland. A few great Frau-tested hikes with strollers include the path around Lake Lungern, the wine trail near Maienfeld, and the wonderful walks included on this blog. Now if only the people riding the SBB/CFF/SSF without kids wouldn’t take up all the spots in the family zone, things would be perfect.

Have you had a baby in Switzerland? What has been good (or bad) about it for you?

English Book Reading in Zurich

Attention English-language book lovers in Switzerland. Your long awaited event is here: The authors in residence with the Zurich Writers Workshop will be giving a reading on Friday, May 18, from 8:15 to 10 p.m. at Orell Füssli The Bookshop in Zurich. Diccon Bewes will be reading from his Switzerland bestseller, Swiss Watching, and Sam North will be reading from The Old Country. The event is free (yes, something for free in Switzerland!) and open to the public. Light snacks will be served. The Frau hopes to see you there.

Now available at your Swiss grocery store

Now in your freezer section.

Now in your chip aisle.

Whether you enjoy these products, or just a good laugh, the Frau would like to leave you with three little words: En guete, mitenand.